Could it be?

I have been hopping and praying for this day. I have held on so close to the thought of you coming back into my life. And for some crazy, wonderful reason it's happening. My friends would ask me what would happen if we ever did mend... with you so far away again...how would it work? I told them you would have to come to me this time... and now you could possibly be moving only a few hours away... this is no coincidence in my mind. I know in my heart that I'm yours. I have held on to our memories and what use to be. I couldn't / wouldn't let go and I couldn't figure out why, but I think I know now... because it really isn't over. Everything happens for a reason and if you end up moving there is a reason... and I know there is a reason greater then you and I but it would definitely mean something. The thought of seeing you again and having you close brings tears to my eyes. But for once in this past year they aren't sad tears. While these tears fall I am smiling. I refuse to get my hopes up because they would be easily shot down but I will continue to hold on, just in case.

& just when I thought you forgot...

I think about you everyday, all the time. & I'm always wondering if you are thinking about me too. I like to think you are, it's part of what keeps me going.

Yesterday was my 19th birthday. I was on the run with my best friend all day. She did everything she could to keep me busy so that I wouldn't think about you... But the funny thing about it is all I was thinking about was you... How last year you & I were together on my birthday. How you told me "Happy Birthday" as soon as my eyes opened & how you made me breakfast in bed. I thought about how I spent forever getting ready & how you patiently waited for me. I thought about when we toured the castle & how I looked up at you and thought I was in the perfect place. I was in a castle with my prince. I thought about when we went to dinner & about the beautiful card & flowers you got me. I thought about how we curled up in bed & watched my favorite movie together until I fell asleep...
It was hard to push forward yesterday even with as many plans as I had. All I kept doing was checking my phone to see if maybe you would remember to tell me "Happy Birthday"
I checked my phone when I woke up... nothing. When we were at the nail salon...nothing. When we went out to eat...nothing. When we went shopping...nothing. When we got home & got ready to go dancing.... still nothing... Even when I was in the club, music booming, people everywhere... even when I should have been 100% distracted... I looked down at my phone just hopping you remembered... nothing. The night had ended & as I laid in my bed I tried to think of every possible excuse of why you would have forgotten my birthday... But some part of me couldn't believe you forgot. I went through today trying to forget about it & let it go but I couldn't. I finally broke down & asked you if you forgot... & just as my heart thought, you hadn't. There was a goof up between our phone connection & I didn't receive your texts... But you sent them to me tonight... & the funny thing is, is it meant more to me tonight then it would have yesterday. I knew deep down you didn't forget... I knew you were thinking of me because you were on my mind all day. You brought the light back to my eyes today. Thank you for remembering.

Thoughts

I thought about you last night. I normally don't allow myself to think about you. But I did. And when I do I begin to miss you. And missing you makes me sad. I haven't been sad over you in quite awhile but I couldn't help it last night.
I was laying in bed looking up at the ceiling and I started thinking about how you use to lay with me. How I could lay on you chest for hours. We didn't have to talk or do anything. We could just lay there and things were perfect. I thought about how you would brush your fingers through my hair and it would make my face turn red and give me butterfly's. I thought about how I could be right next to you and it just wasn't close enough. I thought about when you would kiss me on the forehead to break me out of the zone I was in. And how you would smile and me and kiss me again...
Little things like that should not be on my mind anymore. I shouldn't still be holding on to those moments. But I am. I don't know the reason and I'm not sure I want to. But the thoughts are there and I let them escape for a brief second last night. It felt good to remember how you use to be, being that I don't have a clue who you are anymore. But it also hurt because I know you are no longer that person and you no longer think of me the way I think of you... I wish it didn't have to be just thoughts. But that's the way things are and will always be...

Crush

I'm scared to tell you... I'm scared you won't understand. But for a long while now I've had this feeling towards you and I can't get rid of it. I guess it's what you call a crush... That doesn't exactly describe it but it will have to do for now. You pop in and out of my life so suddenly and I never have long enough to react. And the second I feel like I can open up and let you know whats going on in my head you flip the script on me. Maybe its just some type of curiosity... I guess I have these feelings because I have never got the chance to explore them. I wonder what it would be like for you to share the feelings I have. I wonder what it would be like for you to be around for more then just a few days. I wonder what it would be like to have you near me...
With the way things go... I'm preparing for you to flip the script on me. I'm waiting for you to run off again and leave me in the dust wondering what just happened. I'm really hoping you will surprise me this time and change things up... but that isn't like you.
It feels so funny to be typing all my feelings and thoughts into this blog... I should just tell you, I mean what could it hurt? I guess I don't want to ruin the chance of you sticking around... or running off and coming back... I doubt you would take the time to read all of this, but I'm not doing it so that you will stumble across it I'm doing it because its all I have left. I don't like to voice how I feel to others, especially about this kind of stuff. So blogging it is. What a shame.
Well just know... and you know who you are, I like you. I have for a long time, and I'm not sure it will change... maybe if we keep running in circles around each other it will change some day but for now it is what it is. I hope some where deep down you feel some what like I do, and I hope if you do you are more brave then I am and you actually tell me...

Fairytale

As stupid and as childish as it may sound I want to find  my fairytale. I still feel like a little girl sometimes hoping for her prince charming to come throw rocks at her window and write her little love letters. I know the odds of me ever finding that one guy that can take my breath away when he walks past me and make my heart race just by looking at me are slim to none. But I cant help but wish. I thought I had all of this and more with someone in my past but come to find out it was nothing that i thought it was. And sadly that has put quite the damper on my fairytale dream. I just wonder is it actually possible to have something that special and incredible? I see certain relationships between my loved ones and some of them are incredible but I wonder, are those type of relationships a thing of the past? I mean they do say chivalry is dead... which I think is sad. I love when a guy holds the door open for me. I think it is adorable when a guy can stand in front of everyone and pull a chair out for a girl. And what ever happened to opening the car door for a lady? I personally think all of those gestures are precious. They aren't 100% necessary but they do help a girl feel special. I think it is kind of silly... At least more then half of the people I know are looking for the same thing I am... maybe not the whole fairytale dream but most everyone is looking for happiness and love. But no one is taking the first step to make things happen... None of the girls are willing to admit how they feel towards a guy and none of the guys and brave enough to attempt to sweep a girl off her feet. Everyone is so scared to get hurt that they aren't willing to take a chance... Maybe I will get brave enough and admit how I'm feeling... Or maybe I'll just hope someday a guy will find me and sweep me off my feet and show me true love isn't a thing of the past...

Truth Is...

Truth is, it takes a very special person to be able to handle me. Because truth is, I am a handful. I require a lot of attention and I have quite a few of insecurities. I wont openly show them, but if you take the time to get to know me they will slowly show themselves. And truth is I have been through a lot. Things I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. But I won't just tell you what those things are, you have to earn my trust and maybe if I feel your genuine enough I'll consider telling you half of what I've gone through. And if you get that far I hope that what I tell you wont scare you off. Because truth is, most everyone I have opened up to got to the point of partial trust and when I told them some of the reasons why I am the way I am they ran the other way. Like I said, it takes a very special person to handle me... Trust is, I don't always know how to handle me... I battle myself a lot. In my heart I feel one way, but my mind tells me I shouldn't feel that way, or at least I shouldn't show that I feel that way...

Truth is, I really want to meet / find someone one day that is not only capable of understanding me and what I've been through but willing to take me for who I am and work with me through every last insecurity and fault.

Because truth is, I am a very good person deep down and I have more then a lot to offer, but I need help to work on me and my past issues and maybe after all that is said and done my true colors will shine and I will find true happiness. 

Reach Out

For the longest time I have felt like it isn't okay to be sad or cry or show those kind of emotions. Mainly because I didn't think what I was going through would make sense to anyone else... I didn't think anyone could relate. So I kept it all inside masking everything.

But I realized today everyone goes through rough times. Some worse than others, but we all do have things on our plates. You just have to find the right person to open up to. Unfortunately I wasn't fortunate enough to find someone to completely open up to. I pushed all my emotions and feelings so far back in my mind I cant resurface them to talk about them at this point. But I was able to help someone else with their problems. It was so nice to be there for someone but it was sad at the same time. Seeing the pain and frustration in their eyes is almost heart breaking, but seeing the relief after realizing they aren't alone is unexplainable. Everyone deserves to have a shoulder to cry on or someone to lean on. So the next time you feel down and out just know someone out there is going through something similar or worse and there is someone out there that will be willing to listen and help you with things you just have to be able to reach out. And maybe if you see someone isn't having a good day or if you know someone is going through a rough patch be that pillar of support, reach out and make change in some one's day. You'll be surprised on how good it feels.

Romance

I was asked the other day what  my thoughts on romance are. That question really got me thinking. I couldn't answer right away, because I wasn't sure how to... but after I sat and thought about it, it came to me...

To me romance is the little things in a relationship. Its when you wake up and role over to a note on the night stand from him or her other saying 'Good morning, I hope you have a good day'. Or when your standing in the kitchen and he or she comes up and holds you from behind for no reason at all. Its when your out and about and he or she takes your hand and kisses you on the cheek in front of everyone passing by. Or even when you are across the room from each other and he or she mouths 'I love you'. Romance is the spark in a relationship that keeps it alive. Its that fun, new, exciting feeling you get when you with or around that special person.

I hope to some day find someone that can give that special new, fun, exciting spark to a relationship. But not just for the first few months, I want that spark to last forever. <3

Something new

For so long i have refused to let anyone / anything new into my life. I am always afraid of getting hurt or let down. But lately that has changed. I am doing something I never thought I would do. I am turning around and going back home and starting all over. I normally push change away or run from it but surprisingly I'm embracing it. And I am actually very excited to see the out come!

I am also allowing someone new in my life, which is very rare. And by allowing I mean I am actually opening up and letting things happen. I am not letting my past get in the way and I am not letting past experiences fog my thoughts and feelings. The best part about it is it caught me off guard. In a way it's scary but then again exciting. Again I cant wait to see where it goes.

I think I'm really liking all of this change and new that's going on.

I just hope that things continue to go this way. For the first time in a very very long time things are looking up.

Blood wouldn't make us any closer

 How do you define family?

Is it the people you share blood with? Is it the people that have the title as your Mom you Dad your Sister or Brother?

That may be the case for some people but not for me. Most of the people I call family and consider myself very close to aren't blood related.

Like my 'Step Mom'. She has been in my life since I can ten months old. She has always been my rock. She is dependable and always reliable. She is everything I hope to amount to be. She is always level headed and open minded. She is comforting and supportive. And most of all she is always there. No matter where I am or what I'm doing I know I can yell her name or call her phone and she's there. She isn't just my 'Step Mom' she is one of my best friends and she is like a sister to me.  But the irritating part about it is I see her in all the ways I described but society will still label her my 'Step Mom', what does that even mean?! Let me just say I HATE that term... it is always showed to be so negative... but my biological Mom the one that is supposed to be nurturing and caring and loving, the one I share blood with doesn't have a clue who I am. She doesn't welcome me with open arms when I need a shoulder to cry on. She isn't there when I yell her name or call her phone and yet she gets the label as my "Mom" the label that is always positive. I don't get it... I know I can call my 'Step Mom', Mom but at the end of the day because we don't look alike and because we don't share blood society wont embrace it...

Another person this applies to is my best friend. People give me weird looks or even start confrontation when I call her my sister. I always hear "She isn't your sister, you don't even look alike" UGH! That is beyond irritating. Her and I know just about everything about each other. In every situation, we always have each others back. I share all my secrets with her and I trust her to keep them safe. Most of the memorable times in my life involve her. And I love her to death. But that doesn't make us family? I would do anything for either of these ladies, and I know they would say the same about me if you asked them. No matter how society labels them I know what they are in my heart. Blood wouldn't make us any closer.

Time for a change

Once I make this change
I'm never looking back.

Everyone has a story, and everyone wants to be remembered. So I thought I’d start writing my story and I hope one day it is read, and I am remembered.

The only trouble is, is I’m not quite sure where to start…

I guess I will start by introducing myself. I am Leah. I am eighteen years of age but I have been told I am years ahead of my time. I am very strong willed and I do not bend / break to any kind of pressure. My life only runs smoothly when I have a plan. When a plan is set everything seems to fall into place. I am a Cancer, which means I am a home body and I am very sensitive and passionate. I have just come to realize how true horoscopes are. Its almost shocking. I have what appears to be a ‘stand of ish’ attitude, that is only because my past has left scars and I am not one to open up or trust on the spot. I have built up walls and only one person was able to break them down, but he too scared me and from the pain he caused me, more walls were built. I keep to myself most of the time, and I only enjoy spending time with certain people. I am not one to venture out of my comfort zone. And on the rare occasions that I do it is mandatory that I have my best friend by my side. Most of my life, or at least the time I have had actual control over, I have spent my time trying to please everyone but myself. I have always put aside my best interests and feelings to make others proud or happy. But recently I had a change of heart. I realized life is short, and you only have one life to live and if you spend all of your time focusing on everyone and everything around you except yourself all your doing is wasting precious time. Helping people and making people happy is one thing but when you begin to ignore yourself things need to change. And that is exactly what I’m doing. And once I make this change, I’m never looking back…

So I guess I’m writing this blog so that I can see my progression and change as I go…

That is all for now. I’m sure I’ll be writing again soon.