Could it be?

I have been hopping and praying for this day. I have held on so close to the thought of you coming back into my life. And for some crazy, wonderful reason it's happening. My friends would ask me what would happen if we ever did mend... with you so far away again...how would it work? I told them you would have to come to me this time... and now you could possibly be moving only a few hours away... this is no coincidence in my mind. I know in my heart that I'm yours. I have held on to our memories and what use to be. I couldn't / wouldn't let go and I couldn't figure out why, but I think I know now... because it really isn't over. Everything happens for a reason and if you end up moving there is a reason... and I know there is a reason greater then you and I but it would definitely mean something. The thought of seeing you again and having you close brings tears to my eyes. But for once in this past year they aren't sad tears. While these tears fall I am smiling. I refuse to get my hopes up because they would be easily shot down but I will continue to hold on, just in case.

& just when I thought you forgot...

I think about you everyday, all the time. & I'm always wondering if you are thinking about me too. I like to think you are, it's part of what keeps me going.

Yesterday was my 19th birthday. I was on the run with my best friend all day. She did everything she could to keep me busy so that I wouldn't think about you... But the funny thing about it is all I was thinking about was you... How last year you & I were together on my birthday. How you told me "Happy Birthday" as soon as my eyes opened & how you made me breakfast in bed. I thought about how I spent forever getting ready & how you patiently waited for me. I thought about when we toured the castle & how I looked up at you and thought I was in the perfect place. I was in a castle with my prince. I thought about when we went to dinner & about the beautiful card & flowers you got me. I thought about how we curled up in bed & watched my favorite movie together until I fell asleep...
It was hard to push forward yesterday even with as many plans as I had. All I kept doing was checking my phone to see if maybe you would remember to tell me "Happy Birthday"
I checked my phone when I woke up... nothing. When we were at the nail salon...nothing. When we went out to eat...nothing. When we went shopping...nothing. When we got home & got ready to go dancing.... still nothing... Even when I was in the club, music booming, people everywhere... even when I should have been 100% distracted... I looked down at my phone just hopping you remembered... nothing. The night had ended & as I laid in my bed I tried to think of every possible excuse of why you would have forgotten my birthday... But some part of me couldn't believe you forgot. I went through today trying to forget about it & let it go but I couldn't. I finally broke down & asked you if you forgot... & just as my heart thought, you hadn't. There was a goof up between our phone connection & I didn't receive your texts... But you sent them to me tonight... & the funny thing is, is it meant more to me tonight then it would have yesterday. I knew deep down you didn't forget... I knew you were thinking of me because you were on my mind all day. You brought the light back to my eyes today. Thank you for remembering.

Thoughts

I thought about you last night. I normally don't allow myself to think about you. But I did. And when I do I begin to miss you. And missing you makes me sad. I haven't been sad over you in quite awhile but I couldn't help it last night.
I was laying in bed looking up at the ceiling and I started thinking about how you use to lay with me. How I could lay on you chest for hours. We didn't have to talk or do anything. We could just lay there and things were perfect. I thought about how you would brush your fingers through my hair and it would make my face turn red and give me butterfly's. I thought about how I could be right next to you and it just wasn't close enough. I thought about when you would kiss me on the forehead to break me out of the zone I was in. And how you would smile and me and kiss me again...
Little things like that should not be on my mind anymore. I shouldn't still be holding on to those moments. But I am. I don't know the reason and I'm not sure I want to. But the thoughts are there and I let them escape for a brief second last night. It felt good to remember how you use to be, being that I don't have a clue who you are anymore. But it also hurt because I know you are no longer that person and you no longer think of me the way I think of you... I wish it didn't have to be just thoughts. But that's the way things are and will always be...

Crush

I'm scared to tell you... I'm scared you won't understand. But for a long while now I've had this feeling towards you and I can't get rid of it. I guess it's what you call a crush... That doesn't exactly describe it but it will have to do for now. You pop in and out of my life so suddenly and I never have long enough to react. And the second I feel like I can open up and let you know whats going on in my head you flip the script on me. Maybe its just some type of curiosity... I guess I have these feelings because I have never got the chance to explore them. I wonder what it would be like for you to share the feelings I have. I wonder what it would be like for you to be around for more then just a few days. I wonder what it would be like to have you near me...
With the way things go... I'm preparing for you to flip the script on me. I'm waiting for you to run off again and leave me in the dust wondering what just happened. I'm really hoping you will surprise me this time and change things up... but that isn't like you.
It feels so funny to be typing all my feelings and thoughts into this blog... I should just tell you, I mean what could it hurt? I guess I don't want to ruin the chance of you sticking around... or running off and coming back... I doubt you would take the time to read all of this, but I'm not doing it so that you will stumble across it I'm doing it because its all I have left. I don't like to voice how I feel to others, especially about this kind of stuff. So blogging it is. What a shame.
Well just know... and you know who you are, I like you. I have for a long time, and I'm not sure it will change... maybe if we keep running in circles around each other it will change some day but for now it is what it is. I hope some where deep down you feel some what like I do, and I hope if you do you are more brave then I am and you actually tell me...

Fairytale

As stupid and as childish as it may sound I want to find  my fairytale. I still feel like a little girl sometimes hoping for her prince charming to come throw rocks at her window and write her little love letters. I know the odds of me ever finding that one guy that can take my breath away when he walks past me and make my heart race just by looking at me are slim to none. But I cant help but wish. I thought I had all of this and more with someone in my past but come to find out it was nothing that i thought it was. And sadly that has put quite the damper on my fairytale dream. I just wonder is it actually possible to have something that special and incredible? I see certain relationships between my loved ones and some of them are incredible but I wonder, are those type of relationships a thing of the past? I mean they do say chivalry is dead... which I think is sad. I love when a guy holds the door open for me. I think it is adorable when a guy can stand in front of everyone and pull a chair out for a girl. And what ever happened to opening the car door for a lady? I personally think all of those gestures are precious. They aren't 100% necessary but they do help a girl feel special. I think it is kind of silly... At least more then half of the people I know are looking for the same thing I am... maybe not the whole fairytale dream but most everyone is looking for happiness and love. But no one is taking the first step to make things happen... None of the girls are willing to admit how they feel towards a guy and none of the guys and brave enough to attempt to sweep a girl off her feet. Everyone is so scared to get hurt that they aren't willing to take a chance... Maybe I will get brave enough and admit how I'm feeling... Or maybe I'll just hope someday a guy will find me and sweep me off my feet and show me true love isn't a thing of the past...

Truth Is...

Truth is, it takes a very special person to be able to handle me. Because truth is, I am a handful. I require a lot of attention and I have quite a few of insecurities. I wont openly show them, but if you take the time to get to know me they will slowly show themselves. And truth is I have been through a lot. Things I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. But I won't just tell you what those things are, you have to earn my trust and maybe if I feel your genuine enough I'll consider telling you half of what I've gone through. And if you get that far I hope that what I tell you wont scare you off. Because truth is, most everyone I have opened up to got to the point of partial trust and when I told them some of the reasons why I am the way I am they ran the other way. Like I said, it takes a very special person to handle me... Trust is, I don't always know how to handle me... I battle myself a lot. In my heart I feel one way, but my mind tells me I shouldn't feel that way, or at least I shouldn't show that I feel that way...

Truth is, I really want to meet / find someone one day that is not only capable of understanding me and what I've been through but willing to take me for who I am and work with me through every last insecurity and fault.

Because truth is, I am a very good person deep down and I have more then a lot to offer, but I need help to work on me and my past issues and maybe after all that is said and done my true colors will shine and I will find true happiness. 

Reach Out

For the longest time I have felt like it isn't okay to be sad or cry or show those kind of emotions. Mainly because I didn't think what I was going through would make sense to anyone else... I didn't think anyone could relate. So I kept it all inside masking everything.

But I realized today everyone goes through rough times. Some worse than others, but we all do have things on our plates. You just have to find the right person to open up to. Unfortunately I wasn't fortunate enough to find someone to completely open up to. I pushed all my emotions and feelings so far back in my mind I cant resurface them to talk about them at this point. But I was able to help someone else with their problems. It was so nice to be there for someone but it was sad at the same time. Seeing the pain and frustration in their eyes is almost heart breaking, but seeing the relief after realizing they aren't alone is unexplainable. Everyone deserves to have a shoulder to cry on or someone to lean on. So the next time you feel down and out just know someone out there is going through something similar or worse and there is someone out there that will be willing to listen and help you with things you just have to be able to reach out. And maybe if you see someone isn't having a good day or if you know someone is going through a rough patch be that pillar of support, reach out and make change in some one's day. You'll be surprised on how good it feels.